Not just a stupid face
by CptAbLovegood
Summary: A little drabble about how Jesper feels after the end of the book, especially how he's coping with the whole Wylan being Kuwei thing.


**So I recently read six of crows and fell in love, I'm also still crying in the knowledge that I have to wait for the next book and that Wylan didn't get a pov chapter *sniff*. Anyway I've written a cute little fic about my two favourite cinnamon rolls, because for some reason there's almost no fanfiction or fanart, trust me if I could draw I would be trying to sort out the other issue too, but I cant so someone please get on that! Anyway I hope you like.**

Jesper sat on the edge of his bed, head in hands. He had been left alone in the slat, Matthias and Wylan had been sent to retrieve Nina (Kuwei would have to be kept in hiding, they couldn't risk Van Eck finding him) and Kaz had disappeared somewhere, the only instruction he'd left Jesper with was to stay put. However the sharpshooter was full of nervous energy. Of course Kaz had been right, there was no point hiding, Van Eck new exactly where they were and would've had people ready and waiting for them if he'd been about to double cross them again. Despite this knowledge it felt wrong, waiting like a sitting duck. Maybe if he'd been giving something to do he'd have been fine, but Kaz had told him to stay and he daren't go against what he'd said when he'd just had Inej taken from him.

Being alone and practically confined meant that Jesper had plenty of time to dwell on the events of that day. He was worried about Inej, more than he cared to admit. Yes he had always been slightly jealous of Inej as Kaz had always trusted her more than him, even though he'd known her for less time. Regardless of that the two of them had been friends since she's joined the crow club, probably because although they weren't aware of it themselves, each could sense the unrequited love that they felt for Kaz Brekker. Except that now it was different. Whether he'd only just realised in the moment before she'd been taken or he'd known for a while Kaz was in love with Inej.

It was only as he thought it that he realised, Jesper was no longer jealous. Things had changed. If a year ago someone had said that Kaz was capable of human emotion and that Jesper would be able to cope with Kaz being in love with someone else he wouldn't have believed them. He wasn't totally okay with it, but the pain was more of a dull gnawing ache than a sharp incomprehensible pain: he only wanted to drink or gamble, not both, and in part that was due to Wylan.

Wylan with his curly amber hair, big eyes and golden freckles. Expect that wasn't Wylan anymore. He thought back to that moment on the island. '"How many times was it you standing beside me on the deck at night?" "Every time."' He'd been glad Wylan had been with him, even if he hadn't known it was him. Jesper felt himself falling apart; of all the crew Jesper had always felt that Inej was the strongest, the least likely ever to get caught and now she was gone and if the wraith wasn't safe then who was? He felt himself losing his grip on reality and he wasn't sure if even an adrenaline rush would be able to draw himself back from the edge.

The door to his room opened gently and he didn't need to look around to know it was Wylan: Matthias would be with Nina and Kaz wasn't exactly talking to anyone at the moment. The boy came and sat down next to him, shoulders brushing,  
"How's Nina?"  
"It's hard to say, she has moments of relief but then next minute she'll be begging for more parem."  
Jesper shook his head. "I should have-"  
"No!" Wylan said before Jesper could finish. "There's no saying that you could've helped purged it even with Parem, plus Kuwei said he wasn't sure it would work. And if it didn't work you and Nina would both just be in the same situation, and I…" his voice broke and he trailed off.

Jesper cleared his throat and changed the subject.  
"I forgot, Kaz gave this to me after you left." He handed Wylan a royal blue velvet bag with ribbon draw strings. Wylan opened the bag and tipped three silver cylinders on to his lab and pieced them together, running his fingers down the length of the instrument. They were Wylan's movements but not his hands.  
"How?" The voice that wasn't the Mercher's asked."  
"I don't know. Either he got someone to get it while we were away, or more likely he had it all along and was going to give it to you as a well done gift if we ever got back."  
"You didn't think we would?" Wylan asked.  
Jesper shook his head glumly. "I hoped, but I wasn't optimistic enough to kid myself."  
"But you went along anyway, and it wasn't just to pay off your debts. You followed him to hell thinking that you'd die."  
Jesper looked away. It would've been even worse if they'd been Wylan's big blue eyes.  
"I'm sure you of all people know what it's like to constantly seek someone's approval and never to get it."  
"You're not wrong, but I didn't think it was his approval that you wanted."  
"I'm not sure what I want anymore. I just know I don't want to want something I can't have." He looked at Wylan, expecting white cheeks to flush pink and hide his freckles, but no pigmentation was evident on Kuwei's coffee skin.

"Anyway, what about you?"  
"Well I never thought I'd be holding my flute again."  
"But you still went?"  
"When you're no one in the barrel and Dirtyhands asks you to jump you say how high."  
"Aren't you going to play it then?"  
Kuwei's lips moved in to a sad smile. "I can't even imagine producing anything you could call music with something that my father's money bought."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Why? It's not your fault that my fathers a git."  
"Wylan, you know you're not anything like him." Jesper said as he squeezed the small brown hand with his dark fingers.  
"I know." He said quietly.  
"Then stop thinking it. Please."  
Wylan pulled his hand from Jesper's and stood to leave.  
"When this is all over I'll buy you a new flute. Only if you teach me how to play it though."  
"You don't owe me anything."  
"I know, but I want to. You shouldn't have to give up on what you love because of him."  
Wylan squeezed Jesper's shoulder and smiled at him. He was just outside the door when Jesper spoke again. "Oh and Wylan. I miss your stupid face."

…

Jesper paced up and down his room for a long time before he went to seek out Kaz. He found him in the Crow Club sitting in a back parlour with a brooding look on his face.  
"I said I wasn't to be disturbed."  
Jesper ignored him sitting down atop one of the tables.  
"I want him back."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Wylan. I want him back to himself. Now."  
"No. You don't call the shots Jesper I do. It could still be useful for him to look like Kuwei, or even not to look like himself. Plus there's no knowing if he can be put back. When he agreed to do it he knew the risks, it was his own choice and he knew what he was getting himself in to. It's nothing to do with you Jesper. Now leave I have things to do."  
"Kaz listen-"  
"No you listen!" Brekker shouted as he stood. "I couldn't care less what he looks like, or if it bothers you, at least he's still here! I have far more important things to be thinking about, Inej is our top priority and you need to remember that. Nina still might die, Inej is being held captive and we have a fugitive boy hidden in the bowls of a prison. I don't have the time to be chasing a heartrender to sort out something that has absolutely nothing to do with you."  
Jesper was torn between shouting at Brekker and hitting him, and begging him to do it just for him in return for the years of unquestioned loyalty that he had always shown Kaz.

Instead Jesper turned and stalked across the room, halting just before the door and turning to look at the crippled boy. "You know what Brekker, for someone who couldn't care less about anyone else I can't believe I'm still surprised about how selfish you are." He voice was full of venom, and he upturned a table as he left the room.

…

Jesper had striped his pistols over an hour ago and the pieces were still on his floor. Cleaning his guns usually seemed to help clear his mind when his brain was foggy, but now he couldn't even concentrate enough to do something he had done thousands of times.

A tentative nock came at the door, but he didn't answer and Wylan poked his head in to the room.  
"Can I come in?" When the sharpshooter didn't answer he entered and closed the door. "Kaz told me what you said to him." He said as he sat down cross legged on the floor, it was exactly something that Wylan would do.  
"I'm sorry. I know it's nothing to do with me. It's true what I said, I do miss your stupid face."  
"You don't need to apologise. I never knew it would bother you so much though."  
"Neither did I."

"You going to show me how to clean a pistol then?"  
"You've got a good eye for mechanisms, and I appreciate that you like to know how things work, but there isn't a chance in hell that I'm going to let you near my babies." In thirty seconds flat he had reassembled the pistol and kissed its pearly handle.  
"One day," Wylan said, "one day. What do you miss most then?"  
"Huh?"  
"About my stupid face."  
"Needing an ego boost much." Jesper smirked. "Well if you really want to know. Your golden curls, the way they look like a halo in the sunlight. Your freckles. The way you're eyes are almost too big for your face."  
"And what about the way I laugh? The way I draw? My terrible jokes?"  
"That too."  
"Well guess what? I still laugh like that and I still draw."  
"What about your jokes?"  
"I think you'll find my sense of humour has vastly increased, it'd put your puns to shame."  
"Sorry if I don't believe you, and when have I ever stooped as low as a pun!"  
"Anyway the point that I'm trying to make is that even though I don't look like myself I still am. I still think and feel the same things. I'm still me."

Jesper broke their awkward eye contact, and put his other pistol back together then kissed the handle, Wylan following the path of Jesper's deft fingers and the movement of his lips. Jesper moved so that his body mirrored Wylan's his long legs being cumbersome to cross which make the flautist smile. He laid one of his hands palm up on his knee, then picked up Wylan's and placed it on top of his own. He then did the same with his other hand and Wylan moved his hand himself this time.  
"Thank you."  
"What for?"  
"You may not look like you, but you're still the same old Wylan, and I still feel the same about you."  
"You do? And how's that?"  
"Wylan, can I kiss you."  
He didn't answer, just swallowed a lump in his throat and closed his eyes.  
Jesper leant forwards then stopped a few centimetres short, their breath mixing between their lips and creating a warm cloud of air. Wylan opened his eyes again, looked at the gap and closed the distance. Their lips met as they kissed chastely, Wylan's hand moving till it clenched around Jesper's wrist. They pulled apart and leant their foreheads together, Jesper running his thumb across Wylan's palm.  
"I didn't take you for the kind of person that needs to ask someone before you kiss them."  
"I'm not usually, but I wasn't sure I could with you. And this," he said picking up the mercher's hand and kissing it on the palm, "this is how I feel about you."

They sat like that for a while, holding hands and saying nothing. As Jesper expected after a time the other boy grew self-conscious and stood to leave, kissing the sharpshooter on the forehead before looking at the floor and leaving. Yes there was no doubt about it, despite the way he looked he was still Wylan Van Eck.


End file.
